A Modest Proposal: The Two Party System

The American people have a certain melancholy disposition to our primarily two-party system. While some cling to the values of their party like a moth to light, others distance themselves like a vampire from an Italian restaurant. For the rest of the population, declaring a political party waters down individual opinions to those of the…

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Ghosts Reportedly Haunting School After Hours; Actually AMSTUD Students

Recently, Warde has experienced a surge in anonymous online TIPS concerning supposed ghosts haunting the building. These fearful complaints tell tales of ghastly moans, unprompted screams, and bone-chilling whispers coming from empty hallways after school hours. Upon a thorough investigation by Warde Focus’s top psychics and ghostbusters, the rumored spirits have been confirmed to be…

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Logon Servers Conspire Against Fairfield Warde

It a shocking recent report, many of Fairfield Warde High School’s deepest technology secrets were revealed. One of the most significant findings explains why there never seem to be enough logon servers available at one time to support a single class. Apparently, Warde’s logon servers hold daily meetings to ensure that there are just enough…

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Paula Fired for Leaving Warde’s Closed Campus

Last Thursday, Security Director Paula was fired for leaving the Fairfield Warde campus. That day, Paula came into school in the morning to make sure all the doors were locked after students arrived at the usual time. During lunch wave 1, security camera footage shows her looking through her purse for her Chobani yogurt, only…

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Music Teacher Surrounded By 27 Microphones Decides to Scream Opening Remarks at Audience Instead

The most recent school concert saw a familiar occurrence in the FWHS music department. While introducing the night’s musical selections, all of the music teachers were seemingly unaware of the total of 27 working microphones surrounding them. Although all of our music teachers are well-versed in both breath control and diaphragm control, the microphones surrounding…

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