If you’ve seen our superintendent, Mr. Testani, recently, you’ve likely noticed a man under some serious stress. He’s witnessed something troubling. And if you’re wondering what, well—you’re a part of it.
This fall, grades at Fairfield Warde High School are tanking, and fast. But no, it’s not just senioritis. We’re dealing with a plague that’s been creeping through Fairfield since 2020, now hitting its peak here in 2024. Surprisingly, it’s not the aftershocks of COVID-19—it’s the lack of good NFL teams in the region.
Every Thursday, Sunday, and Monday, we’re faced with a choice: buckle down on homework or watch Daniel Jones and Jacoby Brissett (and maybe Aaron Rodgers) toss the pigskin. And let’s be real, in a school of 1,500 teenagers whose prefrontal lobes aren’t fully developed, we’re always going to choose the mind-numbing pastime of football.
What we all know—but tragically ignore—is that, week after week, these teams are guaranteed to break our hearts with some of the worst football you’ve ever seen. It’s devastating, really. And with endless assignments due at midnight, it’s hard to summon the energy to work after enduring yet another soul-crushing loss.
Simply put: Bad football, depressed students, worse grades.
Sure, the Patriots and Giants haven’t been dominant since the days of Brady and Manning, but oh my God, nobody was ready for the dumpster fire that is Northeast football this fall. Seriously, what in John Madden’s name is going on? It’s terrible. The only kids thriving are the rare Swiftie-Chiefs fans, and they probably deserve an entire article of their own.
Of course, Mr. Cavanna and Mr. Testani have floated the idea of lightening our workload until UConn Basketball starts, putting the school’s academic hopes on the shoulders of Danny Hurley and maybe Paige Bueckers.
“God knows,” Mr. Cavanna remarked, “we can’t count on Husky football to lift grades and spirits.”
In the meantime, we can only hope that either the Italian guy still living with his parents or Drake Maye (yeah, right) can save our school—and our falling grades.