The Things We Carried… Paper


Today when I walked out of math class, I carried two things with me–1) back pain and 2) an insurmountable amount of guilt. It may be hard to believe, but all two of those things are connected, and if you’ve ever taken a math course at this high school, you probably know what I’m talking about (or have felt it). You and I both know the truth: Delta Math is the worst thing to happen to math since Pythagoras sat down and started thinking. Although every other subject has moved on to Google Classroom for work and every other class is “Chat-GPT friendly” (if you catch my drift), mathematics has continued the trend of pen and paper and the only technology involved is my calculator (occasionally) and Photomath (always). That being said, there is an evident cost to receiving four hundred papers every single class just to learn one concept I don’t actually understand and the cost is my aforementioned back pain. Talking with an anonymous teacher in our math department just last week, I was informed that Warde has actually cycled through 26 printers in the last five months alone, as 20 have broken, three lit on fire, two are so old we don’t actually know how they work, and one went on strike. This same teacher informed me that our Geometry department during the “proof”s unit was recently in some legal trouble as a terrifying statistic proved that we are responsible for at least 10% of the Amazon’s deforestation. Not good news at all and, unfortunately, it only gets worse. The math department’s paper distribution issue is so bad that a student carrying every paper from quarter 1 was “clipped” and now must live the rest of their life subject to the humiliation of @warde.posture. A tragedy indeed and a very solid reason to never show back up to school again (Personally, I wouldn’t).

 

As the environmental crisis becomes more and more of a prevalent issue in this nation, one must wonder, “Why all the paper?” Well If I had to guess, I would assume that teachers use this literal “paper weight” to keep their students subservient to the system. Like ball and chain, all the paper is an elaborate plot to keep the student body from wandering the halls. Paul, I’m onto you. With every paper placed in my binder, my legs wobble and falter harder with every step. With every paper explaining why ASS isn’t obtainable (that would be “angle-side-side…” you freak…), my incentive to leave school halls shrinks and my brain is forced to grow. It’s cruel and unusual to say the least but do not fret, as the math teachers have failed to understand that it’s only a matter of time till the students catch on. As we keep taking unnecessary 20 minute long bathroom breaks before class, our legs only get stronger and getting to Bagel King becomes an even more feasible task. Perhaps this paper carrying will even create positive effects for the school, allowing Fairfield Warde to build a kicker who can actually get us an extra point. 

 

Regardless of the effects, the paper is here to stay whether you like it or not. For as long as I pace these halls, my back will be at a 45 degree angle and my head will be hung in shame, but at least I won’t be using Delta Math. 

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