In this issue of the Focus, the biggest trick of all should have been the fact that the April Fools’ edition has reached publication during the ripe month of May (this is funny. Please laugh). However, it seems that the entire senior class has been clowned in a matter far more urgent – as of publication, the anticipated month long period of research, self-study, and sleep known to Warde Students as the “Senior Experience” has been canceled due to lack of interest.
Warde’s recent newsletter addressing the cancellation noted that this lack of interest is not in the project itself, but “in [a desire to] fulfill the requirements necessary of the experience”. In accordance, many seniors plan to put more effort into lawyering up and creating a rationale for their projects’ worth than completing the actual project.
“I’m not surprised, frankly,” states one member of Warde faculty who’d foreseen the end of the Experience. Her biggest complaint was that students seem not to take the planning process for the experience seriously. “They’ve had a whole year to arrange for three weeks worth of employment, internships, or otherwise… Who doesn’t want a short-term, inexperienced employee?”
So–– where have Warde’s most elderly been over the past week? The school’s senior class has been primarily secretive and altogether unapproachable about their habits since leaving the school. When a recently departed student was discovered purchasing Stuffed Bagel Minis at the Black Rock Turnpike Dunkin’ Donuts, he prefaced his claim with “I’m only here because the Tunxis Hill Dunkin’ is still closed, okay?”
After repetitive prompting about his Senior experience, the student elaborated that he had planned to spend his month “getting gains and tanning”, recording his glow-up process via the Notes App on his phone. When inquired about his thoughts on the experience’s cancellation, he dropped his Bagel Minis to the floor in shock.
Indeed, it seems that most Seniors were wholly unaware of the program’s cancellation. Warde’s staff have speculated that the reasoning behind their ignorance is not a lack of attention, but a lack of consciousness altogether: The vast majority of graduating upperclassmen have reported sleeping an average 19 hours nightly since their last day of class, and likely have missed Paul’s calls and their emails alike. While the Senior Experience may be no more, it can be guaranteed that no senior will be returning to their regular studies – they’re not awake for the necessary 7 hours of school time, after all.