Blur


The American people have a certain melancholy disposition to our primarily two-party system. While some cling to the values of their party like a moth to light, others distance themselves like a vampire from an Italian restaurant. For the rest of the population, declaring a political party waters down individual […]

A Modest Proposal: The Two Party System



It a shocking recent report, many of Fairfield Warde High School’s deepest technology secrets were revealed. One of the most significant findings explains why there never seem to be enough logon servers available at one time to support a single class. Apparently, Warde’s logon servers hold daily meetings to ensure […]

Logon Servers Conspire Against Fairfield Warde



Last Thursday, Security Director Paula was fired for leaving the Fairfield Warde campus. That day, Paula came into school in the morning to make sure all the doors were locked after students arrived at the usual time. During lunch wave 1, security camera footage shows her looking through her purse […]

Paula Fired for Leaving Warde’s Closed Campus









The school devolved into chaos as the “phone-free day” deprived hundreds of students of their vital lifeline to the outside world and their Instagram accounts. The day began with some withdrawal symptoms amongst some of the student body, but the desperation spread as people realized they couldn’t keep up their […]

No Phone Day Spurs Impromptu Half Day