You Probably Shouldn’t Have Taken the PSAT

Fairfield Warde High School,

If you are a Freshman, Sophomore or Junior, you may have noticed a slight change to the PSAT format this year. Although it may have been difficult to see after the two hour buffer time prior to the exam, all tests were taken on computers, not with the traditional paper, pencil, and scantron. This radical change has proved to be extremely helpful for many students, as the screen proves to be very familiar to those students with 7 hours of screen time per day. Additionally, the fear of not coloring in one of those small, mocking bubbles will never taunt me again. Another additional bonus was the shortened length, however with said 2 hour delay, this positive never came to fruition. 

With all this being said, the PSAT seems just slightly less hellish in comparison to its ancestor. For once it seems like the College Board made my life easier. Welp, you saw the title to this piece, we’ve all been deceived.

To all of our surprise, unfortunately, the new computer style test was not just one test, but two! Let me explain. The PSAT is less so a test of knowledge and skill, but, now, a simple test of compliance to the system. When our dear principal Paul Cavanna instructed us to quickly move through the 9 steps to set up the test (you know, the 9 steps that took a combined 45 minutes of homeroom) we actually skipped past the part that sold all of our scores to the College Board AI. Whoops! If you missed this section, it read:

“Article 02.4: All data collected and retrieved from those taking the Preliminary SAT/National Merit Scholarship Qualifying Test will have all and any information transferred to the central database. If median score falls below the prior year’s average, barre all academically inclined individuals from obtaining any form education past High School Diplomacy”

This is extremely unfortunate for all Warde students, as it is rumored that last year’s PSAT scores averaged out to be 1589. I guess it is only a matter of time before our academic careers come to a sweet denouement.

Do not fret however. After many interviews, the College Board has made it clear that this is an overall positive for society, as now, only those of the smartest caliber and those who have famous parents can run society! How glorious!

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