Say Goodbye to Your Computers…and Blame NYT Games

We all remember Fall of 2022: when the start of the school year was marked with imprisoning our portable devices without even giving the poor things a chance to plead their cases. But Warde has decided that this suspension of habeas corpus is no longer enough. In response to the increasing number of students playing New York Times games during class, computers will now have to be stored in customized pockets at the front of the classroom. No longer will Warde students be allowed to play Connections when they want to tune their teacher out or accidentally blast the Mini Crossword jingle in the middle of a boring lecture.


One teacher, when asked about the matter, confessed: “I’m glad that students can no longer play the games. I’ve had the Wordle spoiled at least 20 times in the past month. Honestly, I miss when the only problem was the phones. It seems like Sudoku entertains them more than their little Tik Tok videos!”


But where does it end? Rumor has it that the next item on the chopping block will be pencils, deemed too dangerous for their potential to spark creativity and rebellion through doodles of escape plans from math class. Who knows, perhaps the next step will be enforcing mandatory “Stone Age Day” where students must chisel their notes onto slabs of stone. As Warde High School continues its quest for distraction-free learning, one can’t help but wonder if they’ll eventually resort to banning thinking altogether to ensure absolute focus.

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