L is for the way you look at me,
O is for the only one I see,
V… oh, V is very very extraordinary… because this February an incredible statistic has found that 90% of Warde students are incapable of falling in love, and that includes you! Around 100 million love songs are written every year and yet not one is about you, and dare I say, it’s about time we change that! I take personal issue with Warde High School’s lack of love, so today I am writing this very article to help you get the person of your dreams right before the most materialistic holiday of the year!
First off, that outfit has got to go! Jeans and a sweatshirt are so last year, haven’t you heard? (I guess not). Maybe at one point in your life you thought it was cool to rock a Gucci hoodie, but not anymore! It’s about time you stand out, spruce up that style to the point that people other than your grandma will call you “the handsomest boy alive”. Throw out your closet (or give it to goodwill to look like a good person) and start wearing– listen to these words very closely– only Warde apparel. I’m not sure if you’ve looked around at all, but those house shirts are simply the hottest things on the market and OH those red and black flannel pants would look stunning on you, don’t ya’ think? Wearing an overabundance of school spirit is the perfect way to show your loved one that the only thing you care about more than love is a good education, and if they can’t respect that… Well, it’s time to move on!
Second, I cannot be the first to tell you that flowers and chocolate are practically as deceased as Internet Explorer. Flowers may represent your blossoming love (or lack thereof) but after a week seem to always wither and, truthfully, just smell really really bad. Chocolate, while delectable, is certainly not healthy and have you seen how it’s made? Not ethically at all! I propose a much better gift than those lousy objects: simply nothing at all. You want to show your devotion to the world at large, correct? YOU want to show that you do not care about the materialistic objects that put the human race in confines (and thus become better than everyone else). Well then save some money and tell your [potential] lover that you definitely didn’t get them anything because you don’t care (and because mom took away your credit card), but because your love is far more valuable than any object someone could ever hold.
Last, but not least, never, under any circumstances, say the three words “I. Love. You.” Bland, monotonous, torpid, weak. You’re already trying to seem smart, why stoop down to the vernacular of every other common folk? Expand your vocabulary. Show ‘em that you’ve read every Shakespeare tragedy front to back three times, and are prepared to recite the most illuminative and eloquent sonnets known to humankind. (Fourteen lines can go much further than the lousy three word phrase). In fact, if you are going to sharpen up your vocabulary, you might as well change your accent. In today’s age, it seems like everybody is pining for the illustrious British persona, so might as well learn to become the next Harry Styles (if he can have success why can’t you?).
There you have it. Your style, impeccable. Your gift making ability, brilliant. Your linguistics this month, radiant. If I say so myself, you may just have a fighting shot this month, so go out there and give it your best shot, pal. I always believed in you, kiddo, don’t let anybody tell you otherwise, okay?
And, just one last thing, make sure that special someone is not from Ludlowe, okay?