BLUR: Exxonmobil Pinky Promises Less Oil Will be Spilled in the North Dakota Region than Other Regions

Exxonmobil Promises Less Oil Will be Spilled in the North Dakota Region than Other Regions, Pinky Promise

Exxonmobil CEO Rex Tillerson recently addressed the public after many protests on the North Dakota pipeline. In this address, Tillerson called the surrounding natives “primadonnas” simply because their local environment isn’t exactly the way they want it. In an attempt to appease the locals, Tillerson reluctantly stated that “a few extra dollars” would be put into the pipeline so that it won’t eventually spill just like every other pipeline, or at least not as quick. On top of this statement, Tillerson and Exxonmobil had several other appeasement gifts to the locals so they accept the pipeline. These gifts include:
250 pairs of used rubber gloves
A pool skimmer(In the off chance of a spill)
Reminding other Americans that North Dakota still exists
Dove Soap Commercials
A copy of Friends on DVD
A link to a youtube video on “How to handle Oil spills”

Despite all of these gifts, North Dakota residents have chosen to abide by facts rather than traditional bribery. People including Shailene Woodley bring up the instability of pipelines, and oil transportation in general.
“It is absurd to connect our shifty Exxon Valdez oil spill as well as the Alabama pipeline to the new North Dakota pipeline. It’s different, trust us”, replied Tillerson.
In a recent straw poll, 90% of Americans between the ages of 35-60 believed that Exxonmobil is a questionable company due to the Valdez Oil spill. 96% of Americans between the ages of 13-20 responded with “Valdez nuts”.

To the people of North Dakota, an oil pipeline spill is not only damaging sacred land, a threat to plant and wildlife, a threat to groundwater, or a threat to human safety, but a threat to Exxonmobil’s ego and wallet.

Pipelines are dangerous projects, as seen with the recent Alabama Pipeline explosion. It is predicted that over 250,000 gallons of oil has spilled from the pipeline, leading to possible wildfires, local plant death, and an increase in the price and lower availability of oil on the East Coast. Exxonmobil looks upon this information and sits happy that no one has beat their high score of 11 million gallons of spilled oil in one event.
Nothing is the same, however, for Exxonmobil this time. The aftermath of the Exxon Valdez oil spill only killed useless fish and birds. This time, Exxonmobil must abide by environmental laws because the pipeline will impact people, and fish and birds and those things. Due to this possibility of lives at stake, Exxonmobil had to sweeten the deal to make it appear in the slightest bit that they care about the environment and the surrounding people. In doing so, Tillerson issued a written statement. In this statement includes this quote:
“North Dakota will be different than the Exxon Valdez spill, BP gulf spill, Alabama Pipeline explosion, Pennsylvanian Pipeline spill, all other spills that didn’t make it into the news, etc. This is different. We are different. I believe I speak for the whole company when I say less oil will be spilled in this region than any other region, Pinky Promise”. – Rex Tillerson

After the statement from Tillerson was made public, the number of protesters decreased a great deal, going from 1,000 to 999. This may not be the statement pulling the one person away, as it might have been Jill Stein leaving, realizing she has an election to win.

Whether or not the citizens of North Dakota accept the offers of the oil pipeline companies, this will go down as the first time in history an oil company has made any attempts to compromise with the environment and the people.

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