The Blur: Reviewing the Top Pens of 2016

  1. Multicoloured retractable pens- These pens are by far the most versatile and useful pens. They can be used for annotations, color coding, and taking notes. They even have the option of black ink, so regular writing is also possible. Like everyone’s favorite leprechaun, Mick McGarry, vibrant colors are so plentiful it’s impossible to choose just one! Many brave, bold, and reckless students have tried to push (and write with) all the colors at once. However, none have succeeded. This is always a great disappointment to any spectators, making these people the truly insane in the world, trying over and over expecting it to one day work. Despite this, they remain a great pen in this age where true  scholars and pen lovers are dying out.
  2. Styluses- The stylus is the most practical and useful pen for everyday life. It’s not like anyone has to handwrite anything anymore. It is best used for opening apps like Evernote or google docs. Real pens have messy ink that stains clothes and they deal with unreliable paper that could rip or get ruined by water or coffee stains and spills. They are truly useless in this new technological age. Millennials are so over real pens, anyway. As the world advances, pens will be left in the dust, a simple waste of plastic. A bad decision. A dark place in the history of humanity. The age of pens a simple stepping stone to a better, completely digital place. Not all are happy about such a change, however. Warde Focus staff caught loveable millennial hater Mick McGarry stomping on a stylus before ripping the pen in half screaming, “Die, fowl creature! You and all those millennials!”
  3. Gadget Pens- A combination of two great inventions should together be great, yet in this situation, they both lack the excitement that would be generated separately. For example the laser pen. As you likely know, pens are amazing and lasers are literally lasers. But like Kendrick Lamar and Maroon 5, the two are best left alone. Gadget pens produce ink that will be too soft to read in even the brightest of environments and a laser that is too soft to see even in the darkest of environments. As a small child, I received my own laser pointer pen. I laid in bed, waiting for the dark of night to sneak out of my room and lead my poor cat on a rampage around the house to stop the glowing dot terrorizing my family. After a mere five minutes of use, the light blinked out, and my cat lost interest in me. To this day, I have never regained the love and affection of my precious purr-box, and because of that, the laser pointer pen will never earn my trust again.  
  4. Fountain pens- These pens are the absolute most unreliable pens. They will never write unless doused in ink that you had to buy separately or even make yourself, but let’s be honest, who has time for that? These are best for students who wish to be excused from an assignment or ejected from a classroom. You could, of course, borrow a writing utensil, but NO. You will look through your backpack as long as it takes to waste the time that lasts until the bell rings. Leave this pretentious pen at home with your powdered wig.
  5. Erasable Pens- This is an abomination to the human race. These useless pieces of garbage simply ruin the entire effect of writing with a pen in the first place. These pens are for pencil users who got them as a prize in elementary school and want to seem cool by using it now. This disgrace allows the user to take back their words, something no honorable pen enthusiast would settle for. Then it gets to the first half of their name, erasable, which is an understatement. Marketed as needing a special eraser to remove their ink, you will quickly find that just about any form of contact is enough to take away your words. Don’t even think about giving this to a lefty, since everything put on a page will be immediately lost behind. Not to mention, this “pen” is not suitable for multiple pages of writing, since any page below the cover will be wiped and smudged by the page above it. They are overall a miserable writing utensil that deserves to be smited from the face of the earth, along with the creator of erasable ink, Sir Walter McHenry.

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