BLUR: James Coyne Appointed as Trump’s Chief of Acronyms

As President Trump begins to fill his cabinet, rumors have been circling regarding the all important

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Chief of Acronyms position.

Would it be Jim Sensenbrenner, the mastermind behind the Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act, or USA Patriot Act? Or perhaps Bill Cassidy, who proposed the EGO Act, or Eliminating Government-funded Oil-painting Act?

Fairfield Ludlowe High School headmaster Greg Hatzis threw his name in the mix, but after reviewing his work with FALCONS (Fellowship Acceptance Learning Commitment Opportunity Niche Success), Trump told “Boring Greg” to get out of his office.

Ultimately, the man for the job was our very own James Coyne.

When asked for comment, Coyne said, “I truly believe that my entire professional career: decades of working with and helping children, countless hours spent listening to the concerns of parents, sleepless nights stressing over budgets, coming out of retirement for no purpose other than to haze the new guy and make him do a stupid cheer at an assembly about racism, has all led to this. Chief of Acronyms for President Trump.”

Trump was equally excited about the appointment.

“We’re going to make the best acronyms. Big league acronyms. Nobody is going to come close to our acronyms. We don’t make good acronyms anymore. We lose acronyms. NAFTA is maybe the worst acronym ever, certainly the worst acronym in this country. We’re going to make acronyms great again.”

Gary Johnson was very disappointed in the announcement.

“I would have made a great Chief of Acronyms. ALEPPO is a fantastic idea for an acronym!”

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