It’s a typical scenario: A Sunday night, you’re halfway through a pile of homework or dirty dishes. As you begin to contemplate sleep, the stupor is shattered by a shrill rattle. Your home phone, which not one live soul has called in years (what is this, 2009?), has a message. Astounded, you break from the aforementioned task to reach for the device, bracing yourself for the inevitable automated sales pitch to come.
No, you are not looking to extend your car warranty. No, you aren’t eligible to vote in the town’s coming election. And no, you are absolutely not looking to reiterate your social security number to-
This is no robot. “Dear Warde Students and Families,” the phone projects. The content is personal and the voice is familiar; it’s your weekly check-in from Principal Cavanna, updating you on the comings and goings of the next seven days. It’s a rite of passage for every incoming freshman to receive their first phone call, and an emotional summit for the seniors who receive their last.
This experience Warde families and students have come to expect is no longer. Mr. Cavanna’s calls have taken a more independent turn, diverging from the content previously presented to the student body. Students first became suspicious when the call’s traditional greeting, “Dear Warde Students and Families,” became something much more provocative, “Hiya kiddos,” about two months back.
From that moment on, the calls quickly transcended the content status quo; rather than receiving information about upcoming opportunities to purchase Warde garb or incoming PSAT scores, we hear the latest sports rosters, and a steady flow of subpar dad jokes.
“I’ve got to say, the overwhelming stress of this is soothed by the jokes,” says one Warde Junior. “My favorite so far has been What’s blue and not heavy? Light Blue.”
From the evidence presented, the most likely possibility could be that our trusty cable line has been disrupted by a wannabe Cavanna – a charlatan. This may well be in good fun, but the words of said charlatan quickly became malicious – this past Sunday, the anonymous speaker went so far as to spoil the plot twist crowning the end of this week’s episode of Hawkeye.
This incident drove Paul to speak up: “We’re more than tolerant of a bit of good fun. But now we are forced to take investigative action, as mentioning the [redacted] of [redacted] is aggressive, and has visibly shaken the Warde community. Four kids, just today, have been sent home on nurse’s orders to cope.”
The details of the spoilers were kept confidential beyond those who received them firsthand, as to not further distress the student body.
Today is Wednesday – three days since the tragedy. In these three days, our school has dealt with only disarray; the most recent ordeal has been a riot within the school parking lot, consisting of approximately 42% of the student body. Participants were reported to have been moved to tears, chanting the Warde acronym amidst the turmoil. The words were scattered, confused, and near indiscernible.
“I can’t remember!” expressed one hysterical student. “It’s been so long since we’ve heard it! Does it go Welcoming, Academic, Recalcitrant – or is it Rhetorical-”
Respectful. The word she was looking for was respectful. She stumbled off into the sea of distressed students before our staff had the chance to correct her.
Personally, us on the Focus Staff are far from phased by the chaos. It’s posed as a sort of free advertisement, seeing as some of the jokes cracked by the hijacker have appealed to our interests.
After all, how do cows stay up to date? They read the moos-paper.
Paul’s Calls: Weekly Update Hijacked, School in Shambles
