The New Solar Panels Are All We’ve Ever Wanted


Here at Fairfield Warde High School we are constantly striving to improve our learning environment and enhance the student experience. Now more than ever before, we have revamped our building to better accommodate the most common complaints of our student body. One of the most common grievances we get from students is that our parking lot is not accommodating to those with airborne vehicles. This is why along the side of our building we have added a state-of-art helipad runway. This addition means that our students from the outskirts of town can be transported to school using the family helicopter instead of taking a standard bus. This helipad also comes installed with enough solar panels to power a small village if we can figure out how to work them.

Until then, the solar panels provide low-income housing for over 150 pigeons and a sense of purpose for the workers perpetually on the roof. When asked about the solar panels, all of the workers hunched over and repeatedly said “my precious.” The actual proposal for this project states “The installation will provide shelter from the elements and the occasional foul ball.” With all the instances of our baseball teams hitting home runs so far it propels over two fields, a fence and into an unsuspecting windshield, we are thankful for this extra shelter.

With this newfound protection, demand for student parking under the Computerized Awning is high, however our staff has devised a system to make sure the process is fair and easy. Simply go to your dean’s office and push to the front of the line as hard as you can. This system ensures the strongest students are insured while the weak are sacrificed to the elements of an uncovered parking space. According to Mr. Ebling, “the new parking system acts as an incentive for student athletes to play their best, as the latter is being excommunicated to the front parking lot.”  

Recently Michael Bay has come into contact with our staff for his newest “Transformers” movie. In the 2019 “Transformers” movie release “Transformers 9: Revenge of the Franchise”, Bay wants to use the design of our solar panels as inspiration for the next generation of “Transformers”. Bay says “the design of the solar panels is perfect for the newest member of our robot cast! His name is “Umbrellous.” By day, he soaks up the rays of the sun and by night he transforms into a crime fighting robot canopy. Aside from being visually confusing, he doesn’t provide much for the other Transformers.

Here at Fairfield Warde High School we pride ourselves on delivering exactly what everyone was asking for: a giant electric blanket for cars. We’ll keep the unimportant issues for another time: the exploding heat pipe metronome, the cheer squad of mice and the rainwater streams from the roof. Every issue is obsolete now that we have our beloved Robo-Tepee.

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