Ask an Amateur

  • I want to end things with my girlfriend. What’s the least painful way to do so?
    I’ve personally never broken up with someone, but trust me, I’m an expert. Some of the most foolproof options are:
    Have your mom email her mom.
    Say it with a song; ideally “I Gotta Go My Own Way” from High School Musical 2.
    Wait until she goes on vacation in the summer, then end things over FaceTime. It has all the openness and false sincerity of in-person communication, with all the preferred sense of security and detachment of breakups via text.
  • I’m already stressed for finals. What is the best way to be and feel prepared?
    The stress part is normal, but remember, you will need lots of energy, so consume at least 40 grams of sugar a day and get a minimum 18 hours of sleep each night. As for preparing, if you were Lebron James, would you bother warming up for every game? Unless you consider yourself the Lebron James of academia, it’s already too late for you. Now stop writing to an advice column in a high school paper no one reads, brew a pot of coffee, and open that textbook you haven’t touched since September. Simply by spending the time reading this, you have wasted a precious three minutes. Seriously, you don’t even have time to finish reading this sentence. You’re already disappointing your parents.
  • I signed up for my electives for next year, but now I’m worried they’ll be boring or a waste of time. Thoughts?
    I’ve been there, my friend. I suffered five long months of sketching, scribbling, and smudging, only to wind of with study hall instead of photography- twice. I recommend going for Warde’s lesser known electives that nobody cares about for two reasons: they will never be full, and you will undoubtedly stand out on your college applications or future resume. Since you have waited until now to second-guess yourself, here are some of my favorites that might still be available:
    Theoretical Phys. Ed.
    Intro to Cheesemaking
    AP Candle-smelling
    Food Stain Analysis 10
    School 101

Have a question? Desperate enough to ask? I would tell you who to contact, but even I don’t know who writes for this thing.

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