Emily Green

This past Friday, an unfortunate tragedy took place at Fairfield Warde High School. It is a scene far too many students are familiar with, and an issue few teachers fully understand. During his third period AP Literature class, beloved teacher Mr. Frattaroli was bested by YouTube Autoplay, a well-documented enemy […]

Yet Another Teacher Bested by YouTube Autoplay

After years of students being forced to go to the monotonous, dull holiday music event known as “Carillon,” it has finally been discontinued. While a handful of students expressed disappointment that they would not be able to miss parts of class next Friday, the overall reaction was relief. According to […]

Carillon Cancelled

Classmates of sophomore Christian Murphy observed this past week that he appears to be taking gym class way too seriously. “I mean, it’s like he thinks its the Olympics or something. And he’s average at best anyway,” says classmate Elizabeth. Murphy yelled about rules, celebrated obnoxiously whenever he scored, and […]

Local Teen a Little Too Hype for Gym Class

It a shocking recent report, many of Fairfield Warde High School’s deepest technology secrets were revealed. One of the most significant findings explains why there never seem to be enough logon servers available at one time to support a single class. Apparently, Warde’s logon servers hold daily meetings to ensure […]

Logon Servers Conspire Against Fairfield Warde

I want to end things with my girlfriend. What’s the least painful way to do so? I’ve personally never broken up with someone, but trust me, I’m an expert. Some of the most foolproof options are: Have your mom email her mom. Say it with a song; ideally “I Gotta […]

Ask an Amateur

After a long, harrowing first year of high school, sources confirmed last week that Fairfield Warde freshman Nick Grillo has diagnosed himself with senioritis. “Ugh, I think I have senioritis,” groaned the fourteen-year-old to his stand partner in concert orchestra upon remembering that he had to memorize a two octave C […]

Local Freshman Self-Diagnosed With Senioritis