Local Freshman Self-Diagnosed With Senioritis


After a long, harrowing first year of high school, sources confirmed last week that Fairfield Warde freshman Nick Grillo has diagnosed himself with senioritis. “Ugh, I think I have senioritis,” groaned the fourteen-year-old to his stand partner in concert orchestra upon remembering that he had to memorize a two octave C major scale for an upcoming playing assessment. After working diligently to maintain satisfactory grades while putting in the bare minimum effort required, he decided he deserved to slack off a little from his usual twenty minutes’ worth of assignments each night, experimenting with ways to care less.

In a recent interview, Grillo cited the Spanish 31 benchmark test as “the last straw” for him. “I figured I was coasting along with a B+ in Algebra 12, and I gave up in English a long time ago, so I’m really all set for the rest of the year.” One example he cited from English class was never finishing To Kill a Mockingbird, which is very likely the most straightforward and engaging book he will ever have to read in his high school career.

Grillo discussed his extracurricular activities as well, expressing his former concern that one two-hour orchestra rehearsal per week would be “too much”. He explained that “it’s not like [he’s] practiced since fifth grade anyway”, and wanted to avoid the need to do so by rejecting the opportunity to mildly challenge himself. Once the May concert is done with he can finally “relax”, although some of his peers express both concern and curiosity over what that would look like considering how little he does now.

Grillo declined to comment on his future plans in high school. In response to a question about the moment in which he made this decision to give up, he said, “Honestly, I’ve really been phoning it in since midterms, which I hardly even studied for”. When asked about finals, the freshman stared off into the distance for a moment with an expression of vague realization and confusion, before shrugging and mumbling an intelligible response.

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