Opinion: I Have Something to Say to the Jonas Brothers

Now that the Jonas Brothers are back together, I have to get something off of my chest. This revelation has haunted me since 2006. It has to do with one of the band’s earlier songs “Year 3000”.

This song is obviously a bop. A jam, even. But here’s the thing. Listening more closely to the lyrics, they make absolutely no sense. Before we begin this in-depth analysis, it is important to note that many of the details of this alleged trip to the year 3000 are coming from a second source called Peter, who told their story to the narrator of the song.  Can we trust Peter? I don’t know, I’ve never met him.

This is the chorus of the song: “I’ve been to the year 3000 / Not much has changed but they lived underwater / And your great-great-great-granddaughter / Is doing fine.” This is the first problem. 2006 to the year 3000 is nearly one thousand years. A person alive in 2006 having a great-great-great-granddaughter is simply impossible. Say a new generation was born even every 50 years, and lives for 100 years. In that case, after 1000 years, the person from 2006 would have an 18-times-great-granddaughter. A great-great-great-granddaughter might make it to the year 2350 at best, but this is still nowhere near the year 3000. Is Peter lying? Who knows. Maybe this Jonas descendant can time travel, or there’s some sort of technology that allows her to live for several hundred years. However, one would expect such a detail to be explained in the song.

The next problem arises in the bridge: “I took a trip to the year 3000 / This song had gone multi-platinum / Everybody bought our seventh album / It had outsold Kelly Clarkson.” First of all, I’m sorry but no one is going to know who the Jonas Brothers or even Kelly Clarkson are in the year 3000. We can’t name many pop culture icons from the year 1000. Also, honey, if you’ve only made 7 albums in the last thousand years, you’re not doing so hot.

No matter the way you look at it, we can conclude beyond a reasonable doubt that this song is entirely false.  It pains me to admit that the Jonas Brothers did not, in fact, visit the year 3000, and that these lyrics were simply made up without any regard for accuracy.

What’s that, Jonas Brothers, you thought no one would notice? I don’t know who’s lying: Is it you, Peter? Nick? Well, I did, and wrote a whole article about it which will be read by dozens of people. Dozens! I hope we will never have to have this conversation again. Now go sit in the recording studio and think about what you’ve done.

(It has come to my attention that the song “Year 3000” by the Jonas Brothers is actually a cover of the song by another band called Busted. My bad. Sorry Jonas Brothers. Still, please have more respect for mathematical logic when writing and selecting your songs in the future. Thank you. Cordially, Emily.)

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