In Memoriam: Physics Roller Coaster Accident Leads to Marble Deaths

Physics 40 students have recently been making roller coasters to best understand the principles of energy, but unfortunately, a tragedy has led to the educational project being shut down. In Mr. Gloria’s Block 2 Day 1 and 3 class, there was an unspeakable day when not one or two, but three marbles met untimely ends due to roller coaster failures, as well as multiple other accidents leading to serious injury.

“It was a hard day, that’s for sure,” said senior Lexie Madden, whose roller coaster killed a marble when it hit the ground after a steep drop from the counter to the floor. “We had been working so hard, and this marble gave us so much. It’s not fair that its life was cut short.”

Lexie’s friend, the marble Greg, was declared deceased by Health Center staff as a result of head trauma from hitting the ground at a high velocity.

When asked who she blames for the accident, she said, “I’d say Mr. Gloria. He’s the one who told us to do the project with the marble dropping off the edge. It’s his first time conducting this project, and his inexperience has led to real marble deaths. Just… tragic.”

Another one of the deceased perished due to poor structural design on behalf of the builders. “I feel partly to blame,” said Sam Klein. “I wish that I were able to go back in time and tell my group members [Nick Cressione and Emma Flanagan], that we needed to be more careful.”

Klein, Cressione, and Flanagan are currently facing a lawsuit from the marble’s family, who wishes to remain unidentified at this time. It is unclear how this lawsuit, and possible homicide or manslaughter charges, will affect the ability of these seniors to graduate high school this spring and go to college in the fall.

When asked about how this tragedy was impacting the physics class, John Babich teared up at the thought of what has happened. He refused to comment, as he too may be facing possible criminal charges and a lawsuit. The marble on his group’s coaster barely survived after a failed funnel led to the marble falling from the top of the coaster to the floor several feet below.

District leaders have begun investigating the serious events that have come to pass in Mr. Gloria’s classroom, and all physics teachers have been instructed to halt any and all construction and testing on these roller coasters until there has been a determination of why these accidents were occuring in such large amounts. Even Dr. Jones herself is rumored to be a part of the investigation team, using her supreme weather sleuthing skills to see if the icy, snowy roads could have had something to do with these terrible events.

Mr. Gloria has been brought in for extensive questioning, and this carnage is especially troubling when remembering the egg drops done by these students at the beginning of the year. He released this statement to the Focus when asked about the incident: “At this time, I would like to extend my most sincere apologies to the families of affected marbles and students. This is something I take very seriously as a teacher, and I hope to remedy this moving forward.” Students have recently reported hearing him mutter about sticking to YouTube fails and cat videos as he wanders the lower Fitts to back Townsend hallways.

At this time, anyone wishing to receive counseling about these troubling times and events is invited to emotional support groups at the Counseling Center meeting during all lunch waves, and a full report on the incidents will be available upon the completion of the investigation.

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